I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
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Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Had an outline tattoo done on my shoulder and when my friends are sad I let them colour it in
Everyone needs a shoulder to crayon…
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”