don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
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What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works