You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
You Might Also Like
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out