As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
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If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
