All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
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[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[montage of me giving-up]
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Why are bridges so flammable.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.