Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

lmfao

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.