When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all