Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

Was it something I said?

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy