my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
