Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

January has been Januweary

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.