olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
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Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Mistakes were made
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
huge if true: the moon
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Multitask? I can barely unitask
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.