Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics