Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

My biological clock is wheezing.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.