Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

…..pretty much.

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?