Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

That lamp looks PISSED.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

March 16

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?