Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

The “research” scene in every horror movie

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

I’ll be mad as hell!

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not