I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
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Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.
The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:
The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.
Me: OK
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
🙁
