The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
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Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.