You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
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t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.