Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory