you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
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Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
A huge thanks to the person that did this
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.