Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

Breaking news:

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.