We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
You Might Also Like
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest