Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

Good for him.

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.