Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

My dream job is getting paid to dream

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy