Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
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*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I ain’t wearing no wire
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.