BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
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[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing