Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
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Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
Her: You’re so quiet.
Me: Thanks, you should try it.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE