Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
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How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Matthew was born for this.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.