Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.