Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

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Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.