Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
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Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it