I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.