My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
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“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Become ungovernable.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.