Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

She might be a genius

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD