I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
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YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
True
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.