Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]