[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
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I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.