Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

I have a new favorite meme page

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run