Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?