9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
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Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”