Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

2022: I can fix it

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?