Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
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was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!