Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

Modded the new Gran Turismo

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me