There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
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A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
plant them where lol