There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
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Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
me watching my own Instagram story
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
