Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

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HEYYYY MACARENA

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

Going to church you guys need anything

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13