I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
“You’d better run, egg!”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
WHY?!
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
