Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

Holy moly

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?