i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
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Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
new year update: losing everything but weight
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
operators are standing by to ignore your call
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room