I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
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Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
WHY would you be happy about this?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I only eat vegetarians.
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown