Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

the last thing a carrot sees

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.